Jos Essers

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Tip 243 - Controversial Currency – Reactions to a Better "Your Welcome"

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Let's talk about last Tuesday's tip, the controversial interview clip in which Guy (and by reprinting it, I) endorse replacing "your welcome" with "I would do the same for you."

First thing to say is that Guy Kawasaki is among the most generous people I know in the guru biz. He is not a man who keeps score, and his book Enchantment shines with his good will. If instead of quoting from Guy's glib interview with me I had reprinted the full passage from the book, which emphasizes that it's never enchanting to make someone feel like they owe you, controversy would have been averted.   

But I'm glad it wasn't. The seemingly hard edge of Guy's advice spurred a conversation that gets right at some of the wrong-headed black and white logic that still governs conventional thinking on relationship building, and especially business relationship building.

Many of you shared the opinion of Tom A., who emailed me, "It is not generous to expect something in return, it's just a business transaction.  If generosity is a value that produces goodwill and deepens relationships, then I help someone not because I expect a favor, but because friends help friends (and sometimes strangers). Generosity helps me dig deeper in the relationship. Reducing my act to favor for favor, in my opinion, devalues the relationship."

But business relationships and relationships are not sleazy on one side and sacred on the other. We are beyond the either/or days. We're social animals, living in an age of social business. Generosity and candor are more important than ever before. I argue that Cialdini's quote supports both.

Now, the clip confuses things, because Guy jokingly emphasized the "velvet hammer," the "you owe me" aspect of the comment. But here's what's really at play.

So many of us are great at being generous to others, but think that receiving (or god forbid asking for) a hand is a state of selfishness. Or that to have a motive in building a relationship makes it necessarily "transactional."

In fact, true generosity, the generosity that makes us human, that makes business tick and markets climb, is reciprocal. It recognizes that we all have agendas and that we're all both looking to support and looking to be supported. Create the right network and your system of relationships falls into balanced exchange – you give and you get and you give and you get and everyone's happy, healthy and wealthy.

Reciprocity matters. It matters to you, and there's never a moment that you're not aware of that. If you pretend that that's not the case – that you're wandering the earth looking for endless opportunities to do a good turn – then you're not being candid. You're being disingenuous. And people sense that.

That's the second reason I value Cialdini's quote. It's honest. Avoiding this admission that you have self-interest is why so many people have to ask me, "Now that I've made a friend, how do I turn the conversation to business?" Stop hiding your agendas! They are implicit in everything we do and there's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't mean you don't care about the people you meet, it doesn't mean your generosity is false, and it doesn't mean you're keeping score.

To paraphrase the two sides, on the one hand there is, "Just love everybody and give generously without ever keeping score!" and on the other hand there is, "Love and give generously to ensure you score well."

If I had to choose between the former (the overwhelming response in the comments) and the latter (the essence of Guy's story), I'd choose the latter. It's at least more authentic. Pretending to be Mother Theresa isn't real.

The best path lies somewhere in between. But again, I'd argue that the rush to slam Guy's quote suggests not just a desire to be selfless, but even more so a culturally-inscribed fear and disavowal of openly admitting that YES, you require the generosity of others to survive and thrive. The more often we're willing to admit we need others, to wear that on our sleeves, the more free we'll be to be truly generous.

Warmest,

Keith

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Join us on Wednesday March 16th as thought leaders Keith Ferrazzi, T.A. McCann & Craig Elias share insights on how to build your network to learn of the hidden opportunities that can take your career or your business to its highest level. Get info and register for the free webinar here.